Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste*
Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste*
English humour at it's best.
1 .Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
10. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'
11. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
12. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Met a gypsy lass on a night out last night. Proper game bird, who asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time.
It was amazing. Went on the dodgems, the waltzer, had a go on the ghost train and left with a goldfish!
Who was the last person over 13st to ride a Derby Winner?
Lester Piggots Cell Mate
How can you tell which Clan a Scotsman is from?
Stick your hand up his kilt and if you feel a quarter pounder...He's a McDonald
So, Sepp Blatter is sentenced to prison, on his first day inside, he is been shown around and eventually he is introduced to his cell mate, a big stocky bloke, about 6'6 and 20 stone, absolutely huge, Sepp is a bit worried, the cellmate said 'it's quite simple, you can be the mammy or the daddy, it is your choice', Sepp thought for a while and thinking he has got of lightly says 'Ok, I will be the daddy' to which his cellmate replies 'Ok then, come over here and suck your mammys cock'
I'm thinking about moving house to somewhere near Not In Service. I hear it has a really good bus service. I've seen buses going there from all the major transport hubs.
Nun takes a bus
A nun boards an empty bus, and notices that the VERY handsome driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party
It's Adam Johnsons first day in jail, he gets onto the wing and is introduced to his padmate. Johnson looks worried at the thought of shacking up with a guy 6'8" and 8' wide of pure muscle. His padmate says "Your choice, you can be the mam or the dad", Johnson, quite relieved says "I will be the dad" to which his padmate says "Ok then...get over here and suck your mams cock"
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(18 May 2018, 2:51 pm)Andreos1 .
