Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste*
Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste*
(27 Mar 2015, 7:57 pm)MrFozz At the risk of humiliating myself and seeing my street cred plummet to zero...
I got the Trots really bad in Las Americas, Tenerife, I was on the hotel computer when I felt a godforesaken rumble in my guts, the toilets nearby were knackered, I run up to about the 10th floor, banging on the room to get in, my mam took her time letting me in, in the process of it all, I pumped and followed through a little bit...When I finally reached the shitter, it was like this
(27 Mar 2015, 7:57 pm)MrFozz At the risk of humiliating myself and seeing my street cred plummet to zero...
I got the Trots really bad in Las Americas, Tenerife, I was on the hotel computer when I felt a godforesaken rumble in my guts, the toilets nearby were knackered, I run up to about the 10th floor, banging on the room to get in, my mam took her time letting me in, in the process of it all, I pumped and followed through a little bit...When I finally reached the shitter, it was like this
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away
I'm sorry.
Just found this on Flickr...
ATTENTION: STRONG LANGUAGE IN FOLLOWING PHOTO, PLEASE EFF OFF IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY EFFING LANGUAGE.
I'M WARNING YOU. TURN AROUND IF YOU DON'T LIKE STRONG LANGUAGE.
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
YOU READY?
RIGHT, HERE IT IS.
(30 Mar 2015, 12:31 pm)Davie A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"
(30 Mar 2015, 12:31 pm)Davie A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"
A nun rushes onto a bus and confronts the bus-driver.
"Mr Bus-driver, I need your assistance as I've just been diagnosed with stage 4 Leukaemia. I only have till the end of the day to live and I do not want to die a virgin, but I do not want to desecrate my temple so it will have to be anal sex. Will you have anal sex with me?"
The bus driver ponders for a second and agrees.
"Before we start," interrupts the nun, "you need to promise me that you are not married and have children for that is a sin."
The bus-driver assures her that he is single, so after his shift he meets up with the nun and he starts shagging her.
Midway through he says, "I'm sorry sister, I am married, I lied."
"Don't worry, I'm going to a fancy dress, by the way my names Barry"
Here is a small collection of jokes...
Sourced from Sickipedia
Tom Cruise is to divorce after his wife, Katie Holmes outed him.
During a public argument he stormed off saying " I've had it with women! "
To which she shouted back "Oh no you haven't!"
After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"
How many people here remember of heard of Bobby Thompson, probably one of the best Comedians the North East ever produced...I was young when he died, my Granddad had a show on Vinyl and 1 on video and we would sit and watch them constantly when I was a child...
Thought I would share some of my favourite Bobby Thompson jokes
The Littlewoods Man
There was a knock at oor door last Wednesday mornin'. He says, 'Am fromLittlewoods', I says, 'God bless ya! I've won the treble chance?!' He says, "Nah, your wife's up for shoplifting!
The Bike and Dog
A policeman bangs on Bobby's door and says: "Thompson, it's your dog - it's running after everyone on a bike." Bobby says: "We'll you'd better take the bike off it."
Showing a pack of Woodbines
I found a packet of Woodbines 38 year ago, I have 3 left.
The Baillif
There was a knock at the door, man asks 'Is Mr Thompson in', I said 'Come in and take a seat', he said 'I'm coming in to take the lot'
Going to Blackpool
We'll fly from Easington and stop at Peterlee to refuel
We arrive at Blackpool railway station on holiday. A porter asks: "Carry your bag, sir?" Bobby says: "No, let her walk like everyone else."
Going to a Doctor
Doctor said 'Flu', I said 'No, came on my bike'
Doctor said 'Are you constipated' I said 'No, Roman Catholic'
Waterloo
Got in a taxi and asked to goto Waterloo, the taxi driver replied 'The Station' I said 'Am owa late for the battle'
Getting the bus with General Montgomery
You get two returns, I'll get them coming back
Buckingham Palace
Hello Mrs Sovereign
The Queen later said
[George] isn't going anywhere, he's been off work for 3 weeks and hasn't put in a note in yet
The Queen came up tiv us with a plate of cakes. "Bobby, would you like a scone or a meringue? I said, "Nah ya quite right, ah'll have a scone"
Air Raids
I shouted to her mother 'Get down to the Air Raid Sheleter, she said 'Hold on till I find my teeth', so I said 'There dropping bombs, not Pork Pies'
Neville Chamberlain
'Whats this I hear about trouble with Germany', 'I don't know Bob, but I have got a pigeon away'
Hitler
Chamberlain said he would meet me here tonight, if he doesn't me turn up, theres gonna be war on.
Going to War
Bobby's off to fight Hitler. His wife says: "I'll miss him." His mother-in-law replies: "I just hope the Germans don't."
Anyone else like The Little Waster
![[Image: 110.jpg]](https://goobeauty.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/110.jpg)