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+--- Thread: Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste* (/showthread.php?tid=787)
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - S813 FVK - 29 Mar 2015
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Davie - 30 Mar 2015
A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - omnicity4659 - 30 Mar 2015
(30 Mar 2015, 12:31 pm)Davie wrote A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"
Not the nicest place to break down either
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Davie - 30 Mar 2015
(30 Mar 2015, 12:48 pm)Tommy_1581 wrote
Not the nicest place to break down either
At least you might see Heaton Depot
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - S813 FVK - 31 Mar 2015
This may be a little to racist but...
Africans have the best drinking gamesl like, "The last one to find water dies"...
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 31 Mar 2015
Like Mine and Marcus' Friends father and grandfather before us, we too suffer from an embarrassing inability to control our bowels.
It's in the jeans
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 31 Mar 2015
A nun rushes onto a bus and confronts the bus-driver.
"Mr Bus-driver, I need your assistance as I've just been diagnosed with stage 4 Leukaemia. I only have till the end of the day to live and I do not want to die a virgin, but I do not want to desecrate my temple so it will have to be anal sex. Will you have anal sex with me?"
The bus driver ponders for a second and agrees.
"Before we start," interrupts the nun, "you need to promise me that you are not married and have children for that is a sin."
The bus-driver assures her that he is single, so after his shift he meets up with the nun and he starts shagging her.
Midway through he says, "I'm sorry sister, I am married, I lied."
"Don't worry, I'm going to a fancy dress, by the way my names Barry"
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 31 Mar 2015
Here is a small collection of jokes...
Sourced from Sickipedia
Tom Cruise is to divorce after his wife, Katie Holmes outed him.
During a public argument he stormed off saying " I've had it with women! "
To which she shouted back "Oh no you haven't!"
After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 03 Apr 2015
How many people here remember of heard of Bobby Thompson, probably one of the best Comedians the North East ever produced...I was young when he died, my Granddad had a show on Vinyl and 1 on video and we would sit and watch them constantly when I was a child...
Thought I would share some of my favourite Bobby Thompson jokes
The Littlewoods Man
There was a knock at oor door last Wednesday mornin'. He says, 'Am fromLittlewoods', I says, 'God bless ya! I've won the treble chance?!' He says, "Nah, your wife's up for shoplifting!
The Bike and Dog
A policeman bangs on Bobby's door and says: "Thompson, it's your dog - it's running after everyone on a bike." Bobby says: "We'll you'd better take the bike off it."
Showing a pack of Woodbines
I found a packet of Woodbines 38 year ago, I have 3 left.
The Baillif
There was a knock at the door, man asks 'Is Mr Thompson in', I said 'Come in and take a seat', he said 'I'm coming in to take the lot'
Going to Blackpool
We'll fly from Easington and stop at Peterlee to refuel
We arrive at Blackpool railway station on holiday. A porter asks: "Carry your bag, sir?" Bobby says: "No, let her walk like everyone else."
Going to a Doctor
Doctor said 'Flu', I said 'No, came on my bike'
Doctor said 'Are you constipated' I said 'No, Roman Catholic'
Waterloo
Got in a taxi and asked to goto Waterloo, the taxi driver replied 'The Station' I said 'Am owa late for the battle'
Getting the bus with General Montgomery
You get two returns, I'll get them coming back
Buckingham Palace
Hello Mrs Sovereign
The Queen later said
[George] isn't going anywhere, he's been off work for 3 weeks and hasn't put in a note in yet
The Queen came up tiv us with a plate of cakes. "Bobby, would you like a scone or a meringue? I said, "Nah ya quite right, ah'll have a scone"
Air Raids
I shouted to her mother 'Get down to the Air Raid Sheleter, she said 'Hold on till I find my teeth', so I said 'There dropping bombs, not Pork Pies'
Neville Chamberlain
'Whats this I hear about trouble with Germany', 'I don't know Bob, but I have got a pigeon away'
Hitler
Chamberlain said he would meet me here tonight, if he doesn't me turn up, theres gonna be war on.
Going to War
Bobby's off to fight Hitler. His wife says: "I'll miss him." His mother-in-law replies: "I just hope the Germans don't."
Anyone else like The Little Waster
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - beefcake - 03 Apr 2015
Why was Jesus no good at football?
When it came to the cross 2 defenders nailed him.
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Davie - 03 Apr 2015
Why is Joe Hart a goalkeeper? He's head and shoulders above everybody
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - LeeCalder - 04 Apr 2015
#Where'sTheTumbleweed
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - R852 PRG - 04 Apr 2015
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my late Uncle George. Not yelling and screaming like the others in the car.
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - omnicity4659 - 06 Apr 2015
"Metro Safety Announcement"
![[Image: tn_gb-tyneandwearmetro-door-safety-video.jpg]](http://www.railwaygazette.com/uploads/pics/tn_gb-tyneandwearmetro-door-safety-video.jpg)
"and results in some pensioner who somehow hasn't got on the Metro whacking you on the head with her bag"
"Thank you for keeping Metro safe"
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 07 Apr 2015
"You know Dave?" The barman asked me. "The ex-army guy?"
"Yeah. What about him?"
"He took a loaded gun into the local Mosque last night."
"Shit," I said. "Did he kill anyone?"
"No. He was overpowered before he could get a single shot off."
"By the police?"
"Nope. The smell."
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 07 Apr 2015
Has anyone seen that new Asian Show on Channel 4...
One born every 2 seconds
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Malarkey - 07 Apr 2015
What do you call a persons cheese, thats not your cheese?
Nacho Cheese
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Malarkey - 01 May 2015
Pest Control Prank - https://www.facebook.com/joshua.airey.5/videos/10204491834157921/
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - S813 FVK - 02 May 2015
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't a chicken.
Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach"
Q: How did disco die?
A: In the disco inferno.
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Davie - 06 May 2015
Why do Newcastle wear a black & white strip? Because Black & white cameras were first invented when they were a good team
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 06 May 2015
Two bits of puke were walking down the road one bit of sick started crying as they approached an alley so his mate asked 'What's wrong with you' the other said 'I was brought up round here'
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 06 May 2015
There were 3 guys that wanted to marry the same girl so they all had a 24hr contest to see who could bring back the most ping pong balls. the first guy came back in the first hour with 1 truck load. the second came back with 2 truck loads. The 3rd guy did not come back until the 23rd hour, and when he did he was bloody and only had one sac of ping pong balls. So they asked him why are you all bloody and why did it take you so long to get 1 sac of ping pong balls? He replied PING PONG BALLS?! But I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 06 May 2015
Bloke said to his mate 'Do you want to know the perfect match' 'yes' said his mate, the bloke replied 'My Arse...Your Face'
'Bloke said to his mate 'There's a match in your hair' mate said 'Really' the guy said 'Yes...Nits are 2-0 up'
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - northern156 - 06 May 2015
I got one of those Dyson Ball cleaners for Christmas last year, unfortunately for me I misunderstood what it actually does which is why I spent 2 weeks in A&E.
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Davie - 15 May 2015
How will John Caver get his next 3 points this season? Get caught speeding
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Andreos1 - 16 May 2015
Here's a blue one for the Dads.
Just popped to Superdrug to buy some KY Jelly.
Unfortunately they had none left, but the assistant responded with: 'Why don't you try Boots?'
I stormed out, unable to understand her logic. I want to slide in, not march in!
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 16 May 2015
I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thang, cooks for me, always been good to me.
I go away on vacation for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right . I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.
So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when bam! clear as day, right in my Kitchen, I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF.
I was PISSED, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.
Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask me how my GF has been. - when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.
Should I start swingin' on him
or
Pack my stuff and be on my way?
Here's a picture of my GF
![[Image: 56ea71738306ed4a12d6508c7431b8f3.jpg]](http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/05/16/56ea71738306ed4a12d6508c7431b8f3.jpg)
Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - MrFozz - 16 May 2015
Butcher: I had to sack my assistant the other week...He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - Malarkey - 17 May 2015
How many tickles does it take to make a Squid laugh.
Tentickles
RE: Jokes *may contain bad language, sexism, mild racism, bad jokes and bad taste* - S813 FVK - 17 May 2015
That dreadful pupil from Leicester
There was a young pupil from Leicester
Who would go to her teachers and Peicester
She would lock them indoors
Glue their feet to the floors
Till they finally came to arreicester
Ounce Poem
A girl who weighed many an oz
Used language i dare not pronoz
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see if she'd boz