Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? 
A: Bigfoot has been sighted

A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"

A man's car brakes down so he phones his wife up and says "my car's over Heating" and his wife replies "why is it in Newcastle?"

Not the nicest place to break down either  

Not the nicest place to break down either  

At least you might see Heaton Depot 

This may be a little to racist but...


Africans have the best drinking gamesl like, "The last one to find water dies"...

Like Mine and Marcus' Friends father and grandfather before us, we too suffer from an embarrassing inability to control our bowels.

It's in the jeans

A nun rushes onto a bus and confronts the bus-driver.

"Mr Bus-driver, I need your assistance as I've just been diagnosed with stage 4 Leukaemia. I only have till the end of the day to live and I do not want to die a virgin, but I do not want to desecrate my temple so it will have to be anal sex. Will you have anal sex with me?"

The bus driver ponders for a second and agrees.

"Before we start," interrupts the nun, "you need to promise me that you are not married and have children for that is a sin."

The bus-driver assures her that he is single, so after his shift he meets up with the nun and he starts shagging her.

Midway through he says, "I'm sorry sister, I am married, I lied."

"Don't worry, I'm going to a fancy dress, by the way my names Barry"

Here is a small collection of jokes...
Sourced from Sickipedia

Tom Cruise is to divorce after his wife, Katie Holmes outed him.

During a public argument he stormed off saying " I've had it with women! " 
To which she shouted back "Oh no you haven't!"

After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

How many people here remember of heard of Bobby Thompson, probably one of the best Comedians the North East ever produced...I was young when he died, my Granddad had a show on Vinyl and 1 on video and we would sit and watch them constantly when I was a child...

Thought I would share some of my favourite Bobby Thompson jokes

The Littlewoods Man
There was a knock at oor door last Wednesday mornin'. He says, 'Am fromLittlewoods', I says, 'God bless ya! I've won the treble chance?!' He says, "Nah, your wife's up for shoplifting!

The Bike and Dog
A policeman bangs on Bobby's door and says: "Thompson, it's your dog - it's running after everyone on a bike." Bobby says: "We'll you'd better take the bike off it."

Showing a pack of Woodbines
I found a packet of Woodbines 38 year ago, I have 3 left.

The Baillif
There was a knock at the door, man asks 'Is Mr Thompson in', I said 'Come in and take a seat', he said 'I'm coming in to take the lot'

Going to Blackpool
We'll fly from Easington and stop at Peterlee to refuel

We arrive at Blackpool railway station on holiday. A porter asks: "Carry your bag, sir?" Bobby says: "No, let her walk like everyone else."

Going to a Doctor
Doctor said 'Flu', I said 'No, came on my bike'

Doctor said 'Are you constipated' I said 'No, Roman Catholic'

Waterloo
Got in a taxi and asked to goto Waterloo, the taxi driver replied 'The Station' I said 'Am owa late for the battle'

Getting the bus with General Montgomery
You get two returns, I'll get them coming back

Buckingham Palace
Hello Mrs Sovereign

The Queen later said
[George] isn't going anywhere, he's been off work for 3 weeks and hasn't put in a note in yet

The Queen came up tiv us with a plate of cakes. "Bobby, would you like a scone or a meringue? I said, "Nah ya quite right, ah'll have a scone"

Air Raids
I shouted to her mother 'Get down to the Air Raid Sheleter, she said 'Hold on till I find my teeth', so I said 'There dropping bombs, not Pork Pies'

Neville Chamberlain
'Whats this I hear about trouble with Germany', 'I don't know Bob, but I have got a pigeon away'

Hitler
Chamberlain said he would meet me here tonight, if he doesn't me turn up, theres gonna be war on.

Going to War
Bobby's off to fight Hitler. His wife says: "I'll miss him." His mother-in-law replies: "I just hope the Germans don't."

Anyone else like The Little Waster

Why was Jesus no good at football?

When it came to the cross 2 defenders nailed him.

Why is Joe Hart a goalkeeper? He's head and shoulders above everybody

#Where'sTheTumbleweed

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my late Uncle George. Not yelling and screaming like the others in the car.

"Metro Safety Announcement"



"and results in some pensioner who somehow hasn't got on the Metro whacking you on the head with her bag"

"Thank you for keeping Metro safe"

"You know Dave?" The barman asked me. "The ex-army guy?"
"Yeah. What about him?"
"He took a loaded gun into the local Mosque last night."
"Shit," I said. "Did he kill anyone?"
"No. He was overpowered before he could get a single shot off."
"By the police?"
"Nope. The smell."

Has anyone seen that new Asian Show on Channel 4...

One born every 2 seconds

What do you call a persons cheese, thats not your cheese?

Nacho Cheese

Pest Control Prank - https://www.facebook.com/joshua.airey.5/...834157921/

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't a chicken.

Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? 
A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach"

Q: How did disco die?
A: In the disco inferno.

Why do Newcastle wear a black & white strip? Because Black & white cameras were first invented when they were a good team 

Two bits of puke were walking down the road one bit of sick started crying as they approached an alley so his mate asked 'What's wrong with you' the other said 'I was brought up round here'

There were 3 guys that wanted to marry the same girl so they all had a 24hr contest to see who could bring back the most ping pong balls. the first guy came back in the first hour with 1 truck load. the second came back with 2 truck loads. The 3rd guy did not come back until the 23rd hour, and when he did he was bloody and only had one sac of ping pong balls. So they asked him why are you all bloody and why did it take you so long to get 1 sac of ping pong balls? He replied PING PONG BALLS?! But I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!

Bloke said to his mate 'Do you want to know the perfect match' 'yes' said his mate, the bloke replied 'My Arse...Your Face'

'Bloke said to his mate 'There's a match in your hair' mate said 'Really' the guy said 'Yes...Nits are 2-0 up'

I got one of those Dyson Ball cleaners for Christmas last year, unfortunately for me I misunderstood what it actually does which is why I spent 2 weeks in A&E.

How will John Caver get his next 3 points this season? Get caught speeding

Here's a blue one for the Dads.

Just popped to Superdrug to buy some KY Jelly.
Unfortunately they had none left, but the assistant responded with: 'Why don't you try Boots?'
I stormed out, unable to understand her logic. I want to slide in, not march in!

I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thang, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on vacation for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right . I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when bam! clear as day, right in my Kitchen, I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was PISSED, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.

Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask me how my GF has been. - when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I start swingin' on him

or

Pack my stuff and be on my way?

Here's a picture of my GF

Butcher: I had to sack my assistant the other week...He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer

How many tickles does it take to make a Squid laugh.

Tentickles

That dreadful pupil from Leicester

There was a young pupil from Leicester
Who would go to her teachers and Peicester
She would lock them indoors
Glue their feet to the floors
Till they finally came to arreicester

Ounce Poem

A girl who weighed many an oz
Used language i dare not pronoz
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see if she'd boz