Just been sent this off a mate.

I was working in Tesco, re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7, when in walks the girl I shagged the night before!
She said "oi you told me you was a stunt pilot .... You lying bastard!".

I replied "no I told you I was part of the Ariel display team!"

Any others out there to brighten up this dreary Saturday afternoon?

After the shocking revelations relating to match fixing, rumours that Sunderland players have been bribed after loosing most of their games and scoring umpteen own goals have been dismissed.
A source close to the FA admit it is because they're just shit

(09 Dec 2013, 5:56 pm)andreos1 wrote After the shocking revelations relating to match fixing, rumours that Sunderland players have been bribed after loosing most of their games and scoring umpteen own goals have been dismissed.
A source close to the FA admit it is because they're just shit

lol

Apparently Gus Poyet assembled the Sunderland squad, so they could visit an
orphanage somewhere in Hendon today.
"It was really sad to see their little faces, etched with worry and with no hope for the future", said Shania aged 6

Warning...
My jokes can be quite offensive...
IF EASILY OFFENDED
FUCK OFF

Nelson Mandela went from prison to politics...

Not like this country then

Michael Barrymore was recently asked for his reaction on Tom Daley coming, he said, "finally someone who takes it up the arse and can swim"

Young People today moan about having to work long hours for a pittance...

Spare a thought for my granddad, in the 1940's he worked 18 hours a day for nothing and never once complained.

If he did, the Japs would have shot him

If a lass walks into a pub with her tits out and I have a look I'm the pervert, yet if I walk into a pub with half my cock hanging out, I'm still the pervert

Not a joke as such, but very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIY4TwgMe1I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I did a history for school titled The Nazis in World War 2, I did that good my teacher offered mema swot-sticker

How to tell the difference between Dublin and Belfast...

In Dublin pubs people will say "Jesus...I could murder a pint

In Belfast people will say "Jesus...I could murder...YOU

Kind of daft, but.....

Why do cows have bells? - because their horns don't work!

This one kind of falls into the sexism category:

Women aren't very good golf players. They can't drive.

Daft ones are normally funny...A couple of daft ones

Where's Hadrians Wall?
Around Hadrians House

What's Nitrate?
Time and a half

Where's the Andes?
End of your Armees

How do you make a door laugh
Tickle it's knob

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Tickle it's balls

I went to the doctor last week he said "Mr Forster I have good news and bad news..."The bad news is you have cancer" I asked "What's the good news then", the doc said "You'll save a few quid on haircuts.

An eighty year old man said to the doctor, I am not enjoying sex as much as I used to. The doctor said “When did you first notice this”? The old man said twice last night and once this morning

Did you know there are only 21 Letters in the Northern Irish Alphabet...
The IRA blew up MFI and B & Q

I was going to tell a Jimmy Savile joke, but that may be a bit too close to the mark for comfort

This one makes me laugh....

A couple are resetting a password on their computer. The husband types in 'mypenis', and the wife rolls around on the floor because it says 'Error - not long enough'

Couldn't stop laughing with this one, a bit sexual again:

The teacher asks John, 'John, why is your cat at school today'. John replies, crying, 'My dad told my mam he was going to destroy that pussy once I left for school today'

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says "We have a whisky named after you", the horse said "What...Dobbin"

Blonde: What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: 'I don't know'
Blonde: OMG! Nobody does!

Wife: I look fat, can you give me a compliment?
Husband: You have perfect eyesight!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for his family. He and his wife agree not to tell their kids; when they do ask, the wife says it's what she sometimes calls their father. The daughter suddenly stands up and screams 'Don't eat it - it's an asshole!'

I am renowned amongst my mates for telling the cringiest jokes, so here goes:

Crime in multi-story car parks.... it's wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a Jumbo Jet on a spring?
A Boing 747

Renewable energy.... I'm a big fan.

What do you call a Star Wars character that turned into a pirate?
Arr2-D2.

What does the vegetable priest say?
Lettuce pray.

I once saw an Italian actress covered in cushions. It was Sofa Loren.

(06 Jul 2014, 7:45 pm)Adam wrote I am renowned amongst my mates for telling the cringiest jokes, so here goes:

Crime in multi-story car parks.... it's wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a Jumbo Jet on a spring?
A Boing 747

Renewable energy.... I'm a big fan.

What do you call a Star Wars character that turned into a pirate?
Arr2-D2.

What does the vegetable priest say?
Lettuce pray.

I once saw an Italian actress covered in cushions. It was Sofa Loren.

And judging by this post alone, I am not surprised!

(06 Jul 2014, 7:52 pm)Dan wrote And judging by this post alone, I am not surprised!

Told you so. I've got more

(06 Jul 2014, 7:05 pm)marxistafozzski wrote Horse walks into a bar, the barman says "We have a whisky named after you", the horse said "What...Dobbin"

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says 'why the long face?'

A lad goes out on the town one night and meets this lass and has his wicked way with her , 2 weeks later she sees him stacking the washing powder shelves in a supermarket, she goes up to him and yells "you told me last week you were a stunt pilot" he replied no I did not I said I was a member of an Ariel display team

(06 Jul 2014, 7:45 pm)Adam wrote I am renowned amongst my mates for telling the cringiest jokes, so here goes:

Crime in multi-story car parks.... it's wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a Jumbo Jet on a spring?
A Boing 747

Renewable energy.... I'm a big fan.

What do you call a Star Wars character that turned into a pirate?
Arr2-D2.

What does the vegetable priest say?
Lettuce pray.

I once saw an Italian actress covered in cushions. It was Sofa Loren.

(06 Jul 2014, 10:16 pm)aureolin wrote

I'll hang my head in shame

(06 Jul 2014, 10:47 pm)Adam wrote I'll hang my head in shame

I've heard worse.

(06 Jul 2014, 10:49 pm)aureolin wrote I've heard worse.

Well that's alright then

Scientists have discovered the reason eating too much pizza causes people to fall over and knock into others.

It is called the Dominos effect!

What's pink and hard?

-A pig with a flick-knife.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Definition of Pain
Sliding down a 50' razor blade using your balls as brakes and landing in Iodine

Definition of Cheeky
Smashing someone's window, then go ask for your rock back

Definition of Posh
Walking into a pharmacy and asking for a pack of Rubber Jonathans

I love this one from Russell Howard...