Also howl at Michael Macintyre and his walking the bus route joke when it was cancelled due to snow
Seeing Bernard Ingham's eyebrows and Bernard Manning earlier on in AdamY's BrassEye video got me thinking - so, seeing as it is Sunday:
I think I got mixed up between the Pizza Hut and Grindr apps earlier on. Either way, there is a 10" vegetarian on its way!
Last week I ordered a thin and crusty supreme - wasn't happy when Diana Ross knocked at the door!
Did you hear about the ice cream man, who was found dead on the floor of his van the other day? He was covered in chopped nuts, flake's, wafers, monkeys blood and chocolate sauce.
Police believe he topped himself!
Apparently David Cameron walked off stage to a standing ovation last week at the Tory Party Conference, whilst the Fleetwood Mac tune 'Don't stop', was playing in the background.
There isn't any official confirmation that he walked off to Fleetwood Mac's 'Tell me lies, sweet little lies' a few years previous, after telling the audience that the NHS would be safe in his hands.
Not sure this went down too well:
http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/06/cafe-print...s-4894181/
(07 Oct 2014, 11:48 am)Andreos1 wrote [ -> ]Apparently David Cameron walked off stage to a standing ovation last week at the Tory Party Conference, whilst the Fleetwood Mac tune 'Don't stop', was playing in the background.
There isn't any official confirmation that he walked off to Fleetwood Mac's 'Tell me lies, sweet little lies' a few years previous, after telling the audience that the NHS would be safe in his hands.
Not sure this went down too well: http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/06/cafe-print...s-4894181/
It is quite tasteless but it is funny...not sure a cafe should be putting stuff like that on receipts
Just a few sexual rhymes i have collected:
There was once a girl from Jahore
Who'd lie on a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny, she'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core
Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Silver Buckles on his knee
When he comes back he'll fuck me
Pretty Bobby Shafto
There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin
If his ear was a cunt he could fuck it!
(12 Oct 2014, 9:30 pm)Robert wrote [ -> ]Just a few sexual rhymes i have collected:
There was once a girl from Jahore
Who'd lie on a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny, she'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core
Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Silver Buckles on his knee
When he comes back he'll fuck me
Pretty Bobby Shafto
There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin
If his ear was a cunt he could fuck it!
How old are you again?[emoji23]
Jack and Jill went down to the dairy
Jack whipped out his big canary
Jill said 'wow, thats a whopper
Lets fuck off home
And do it proper
(12 Oct 2014, 9:34 pm)marxistafozzski wrote [ -> ]Jack and Jill went down to the dairy
Jack whipped out his big canary
Jill said 'wow, thats a whopper
Lets fuck off home
And do it proper
In Music last year we had to do some song that went 'Down the way where the knights are gay'. There was just no way I couldn't change it, so I had to for my own good....
'At the pier where the sailors are queer'
'In the tent where the campers are bent'
Some iv'e picked up on...not really jokes but heyyyyy who cares!
I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. At first I was Afraid I was petrified
I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans, it's soda pressing.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
(13 Oct 2014, 8:28 pm)Michael wrote [ -> ]Some iv'e picked up on...not really jokes but heyyyyy who cares!
I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. At first I was Afraid I was petrified
I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans, it's soda pressing.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Whey man, those a perfectly good jokes and tbh, a few of them made me giggle slightly.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
Went to the docs yesterday and he said 'I have some good news and bad news...The bad news is you have cancer', I said 'what is the good news then' the doctor said 'your going to save a few quid on haircuts'
(13 Oct 2014, 8:34 pm)Robert wrote [ -> ]Whey man, those a perfectly good jokes and tbh, a few of them made me giggle slightly.
Cheers
My favorite has to be:
I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. At first I was Afraid I was petrified
(13 Oct 2014, 8:37 pm)marxistafozzski wrote [ -> ]Went to the docs yesterday and he said 'I have some good news and bad news...The bad news is you have cancer', I said 'what is the good news then' the doctor said 'your going to save a few quid on haircuts'
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
(13 Oct 2014, 8:38 pm)Marcus wrote [ -> ]Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
Not a joke but...
I would like to know who was stood amongst some cows and thought, I will squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes oit
(13 Oct 2014, 8:38 pm)Marcus wrote [ -> ]Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
Aww thats bad! Must admit, i like the Dr who version of the 'Knock Knock' joke. Great for confusing and winding people up!
(13 Oct 2014, 8:47 pm)Robert wrote [ -> ]Aww thats bad! Must admit, i like the Dr who version of the 'Knock Knock' joke. Great for confusing and winding people up!
Aye, I heard a pretty shocking one today at school. As Ebola is a pretty serious issue at the minute, and nobody at school is really taking it seriously, I heard a group of Year 11s saying;
Why did the chicken cross the road
To avoid contracting Ebola
.....[emoji44].....
(13 Oct 2014, 8:49 pm)Marcus wrote [ -> ]Aye, I heard a pretty shocking one today at school. As Ebola is a pretty serious issue at the minute, and nobody at school is really taking it seriously, I heard a group of Year 11s saying;
Why did the chicken cross the road
To avoid contracting Ebola
.....[emoji44].....
Wow - same at mine
I do feel that people are going too far. Im sure that they wont be making jokes about it if say a member of their family or a friend of theirs was to get it for whatever reason...
The running 'joke' at my school (and others) is when a teacher asks why a student is absent when marking the register... The typical response is, "They've got Ebola."
(13 Oct 2014, 9:01 pm)Dan wrote [ -> ]The running 'joke' at my school (and others) is when a teacher asks why a student is absent when marking the register... The typical response is, "They've got Ebola."
Same in my uni class, haha
A White Horse walks into a bar...
Barman: Did you know theres a whiskey named after you
Horse: What...Dobbin
Two lumps of puke is walking down the road, on seeing an alleyway suddenly one gets very emotional and starts to cry, his mate asked what was the matter, to which he said 'this brings back memories, I was brought up just down there'
Remember when David and Victoria Beckham had there first child, they named him Brooklyn, as that is where he was concieved, if my folks went down that route I would have been Back Alley Forster
(13 Oct 2014, 9:01 pm)Dan wrote [ -> ]The running 'joke' at my school (and others) is when a teacher asks why a student is absent when marking the register... The typical response is, "They've got Ebola."
Not so much of a problem in that sense for me. Its just people saying that their friends have Ebola and thinking the're cool by saying it - as nasty as this sounds, as soon as it gets over here, i want them to get it. Just to show them that it isn't a subject to make jokes about and it is actually quite devastating...
Really hope i havent just caused some sort of offense to anybody...
(13 Oct 2014, 9:07 pm)Robert wrote [ -> ]Not so much of a problem in that sense for me. Its just people saying that their friends have Ebola and thinking the're cool by saying it - as nasty as this sounds, as soon as it gets over here, i want them to get it. Just to show them that it isn't a subject to make jokes about and it is actually quite devastating...
I agree with you a bit mate, there is a time and place for some jokes, some are just deemed to be too tasteless and sick...But I am off the opinion if we cant make fun of things then life would be completely miserable...
I personally like a good racist joke, I dont mind jokes about people who have died either, or jokes that are quite sick...
(13 Oct 2014, 9:07 pm)Robert wrote [ -> ]Not so much of a problem in that sense for me. Its just people saying that their friends have Ebola and thinking the're cool by saying it - as nasty as this sounds, as soon as it gets over here, i want them to get it. Just to show them that it isn't a subject to make jokes about and it is actually quite devastating...
I seen it on the news the other day, they showed a body being carried out and it was a 18 month old baby.
Seems a few people over the USA have got it, it will get here but wont spread like in Africa.
(13 Oct 2014, 9:11 pm)Michael wrote [ -> ]I seen it on the news the other day, they showed a body being carried out and it was a 18 month year old baby.
Seems a few people over the USA have got it, it will get here but wont spread like in Africa.
People are panicking just like they did when various strains of flu hit the country...Yes Ebola is dangerous and very deadly, but I think people are going over the top, we are in a country that has much more advanced healthcare than West Africa
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.""Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?""We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooed in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poo!!!""It was my first day with the hook."
Top tip: If you are getting chased by a police dog, don't go through little tunnels or over see saws
They're trained for that...
Top Tip:
The Green Cross Code states when crossing a road one should always look left; look right; and look left again.
However, one should disregard that advice when crossing a one-way street.
My next door neighbour quizzed me about missing lingerie off her washing line...
I nearly shit her knickers
A German bloke goes through immigration at Warsaw Airport, a customs officer asks 'Occupation', the German replies 'No...just on holiday'