Jokes *may contain bad language, bad jokes and bad taste*

241 Replies, 83228 Views

(06 Jul 2014, 8:52 pm)Dan Wrote: And judging by this post alone, I am not surprised!

Told you so. I've got more Tongue
(06 Jul 2014, 8:05 pm)marxistafozzski Wrote: Horse walks into a bar, the barman says "We have a whisky named after you", the horse said "What...Dobbin"

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says 'why the long face?'
A lad goes out on the town one night and meets this lass and has his wicked way with her , 2 weeks later she sees him stacking the washing powder shelves in a supermarket, she goes up to him and yells "you told me last week you were a stunt pilot" he replied no I did not I said I was a member of an Ariel display team
(06 Jul 2014, 8:45 pm)Adam Wrote: I am renowned amongst my mates for telling the cringiest jokes, so here goes:

Crime in multi-story car parks.... it's wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a Jumbo Jet on a spring?
A Boing 747

Renewable energy.... I'm a big fan.

What do you call a Star Wars character that turned into a pirate?
Arr2-D2.

What does the vegetable priest say?
Lettuce pray.

I once saw an Italian actress covered in cushions. It was Sofa Loren.

[Image: Tumbleweed.gif]

Tongue
Forum Moderator | Find NEB on facebook
Visit my Buses & Beyond website. Also on Facebook.
(06 Jul 2014, 11:16 pm)aureolin Wrote: [Image: Tumbleweed.gif]

Tongue

I'll hang my head in shame
(06 Jul 2014, 11:47 pm)Adam Wrote: I'll hang my head in shame

I've heard worse. Big Grin
Forum Moderator | Find NEB on facebook
Visit my Buses & Beyond website. Also on Facebook.
(06 Jul 2014, 11:49 pm)aureolin Wrote: I've heard worse. Big Grin

Well that's alright then
Scientists have discovered the reason eating too much pizza causes people to fall over and knock into others.

It is called the Dominos effect!
'Illegitimis non carborundum'
What's pink and hard?

-A pig with a flick-knife.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Definition of Pain
Sliding down a 50' razor blade using your balls as brakes and landing in Iodine

Definition of Cheeky
Smashing someone's window, then go ask for your rock back

Definition of Posh
Walking into a pharmacy and asking for a pack of Rubber Jonathans

I love this one from Russell Howard...
Also howl at Michael Macintyre and his walking the bus route joke when it was cancelled due to snow Big Grin
Seeing Bernard Ingham's eyebrows and Bernard Manning earlier on in AdamY's BrassEye video got me thinking - so, seeing as it is Sunday:

I think I got mixed up between the Pizza Hut and Grindr apps earlier on. Either way, there is a 10" vegetarian on its way!







Last week I ordered a thin and crusty supreme - wasn't happy when Diana Ross knocked at the door!




Did you hear about the ice cream man, who was found dead on the floor of his van the other day? He was covered in chopped nuts, flake's, wafers, monkeys blood and chocolate sauce.
Police believe he topped himself!
'Illegitimis non carborundum'
Apparently David Cameron walked off stage to a standing ovation last week at the Tory Party Conference, whilst the Fleetwood Mac tune 'Don't stop', was playing in the background.

There isn't any official confirmation that he walked off to Fleetwood Mac's 'Tell me lies, sweet little lies' a few years previous, after telling the audience that the NHS would be safe in his hands.

Not sure this went down too well: http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/06/cafe-print...s-4894181/
'Illegitimis non carborundum'
(07 Oct 2014, 12:48 pm)Andreos1 Wrote: Apparently David Cameron walked off stage to a standing ovation last week at the Tory Party Conference, whilst the Fleetwood Mac tune 'Don't stop', was playing in the background.

There isn't any official confirmation that he walked off to Fleetwood Mac's 'Tell me lies, sweet little lies' a few years previous, after telling the audience that the NHS would be safe in his hands.

Not sure this went down too well: http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/06/cafe-print...s-4894181/

It is quite tasteless but it is funny...not sure a cafe should be putting stuff like that on receipts Big Grin
Just a few sexual rhymes i have collected:

There was once a girl from Jahore
Who'd lie on a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny, she'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Silver Buckles on his knee
When he comes back he'll fuck me
Pretty Bobby Shafto

There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin
If his ear was a cunt he could fuck it!
(12 Oct 2014, 10:30 pm)Robert Wrote: Just a few sexual rhymes i have collected:

There was once a girl from Jahore
Who'd lie on a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny, she'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Silver Buckles on his knee
When he comes back he'll fuck me
Pretty Bobby Shafto

There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin
If his ear was a cunt he could fuck it!

How old are you again?
Lover of Volvo B10BLE/Wright Renowns.

My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLf5tJq...pvNU8vv1SA

My Flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/142814434@N05/
Jack and Jill went down to the dairy
Jack whipped out his big canary
Jill said 'wow, thats a whopper
Lets fuck off home
And do it proper
(12 Oct 2014, 10:34 pm)marxistafozzski Wrote: Jack and Jill went down to the dairy
Jack whipped out his big canary
Jill said 'wow, thats a whopper
Lets fuck off home
And do it proper

In Music last year we had to do some song that went 'Down the way where the knights are gay'. There was just no way I couldn't change it, so I had to for my own good....

'At the pier where the sailors are queer'

'In the tent where the campers are bent'
Lover of Volvo B10BLE/Wright Renowns.

My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLf5tJq...pvNU8vv1SA

My Flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/142814434@N05/
Some iv'e picked up on...not really jokes but heyyyyy who cares!


I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. At first I was Afraid I was petrified

I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans, it's soda pressing.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Ooo Friend, Bus Friend.
(13 Oct 2014, 9:28 pm)Michael Wrote: Some iv'e picked up on...not really jokes but heyyyyy who cares!


I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. At first I was Afraid I was petrified

I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans, it's soda pressing.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Whey man, those a perfectly good jokes and tbh, a few of them made me giggle slightly.