I am bored and was just thinking about funny things we say or hear people saying...This can be something you have heard out and about or on tv/radio...

I used to be a steward at Hartlepools Victoria Park, one of my Social workers told me his Missus and Son were going to a game...

Me: I never saw your missus and kid at the match
SW: Do you know what they look like
Me: No
SW: Well how do you know if you seen them

Me and my mates were once talking about our name, if we were named after anyone

Me: Are you named after anyone Peter
Peter: Yes, Michael Jackson

Talking to my mate about his missus

Me: Did you know your missus before you got married
Mate: No, It was a marriage arranged in the heat of the moment

At the Youth Group I used to volunteer for, the admin assistant was worried she was losing her mind, so she was advised to go to the doctors to discuss alzheimers, we later asked her how the appointment was, to which she replied 'I forgot to go'

During an Interview for a new admin assistant, we were telling the candidate the role etc and said part of the job would be having to goto the Bank to get petty cash and pay monies in, after a brief pause she said 'I have a phobia of banks, I was caught up in a bank robbery 25 years ago and never stepped a foot in one since'

I was telling a friend I was going to Butlins for a holiday reunion weekend in 2006, she said 'ooooohhhh, you might see the Monster(er it is Skegness, not Loch Ness)

My mate had something important to tell me once, it went something like this

Mate: Can I be Frank with you
Me: You can be whoever you want...Frank, Tommy, Norman, choice is yours...

The same mate was told somebody had died after an ecstasy overdose, the person said 'That was bad crack wasn't it' My mate said 'No, more like bad pills'