I think I hate myself for sharing jokes like the ones I've just posted.

I heard this at the Gateshead v Macclesfield match -

Fan - That black man has just kicked Baxter
Steward - Excuse me sir can you stop using racially abusive language
Fan - I'm not being racist... Im colourblind ?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A man is doing impressions here are some
A Dog Woof woof
A cat meow
A Cow is that car taxed?

Sorry but here is another one:

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

What's things go together the worst? Newcastle United and their best players

Found the darkest but most perfect insult...
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

Kay Burley has a face like a campaign poster for neglected donkeys.

I hate watching the Paralympics. I can't throw a discus, and I have arms!

One of the sluts in my tutor is the school bike. Everyone has had a ride on her!!

(27 Mar 2015, 6:58 pm)MarcTheA4 wrote I hate watching the Paralympics. I can't throw a discus, and I have arms!

I often had to represent my school in discus because the ones who were actually good at it did races instead. Discus was one of many sports I was rubbish at, wasn't a bad runner when I was in year 10/11 mind.

Damn didn't realise this was the jokes thread!

I am a joke does that count!

(27 Mar 2015, 7:06 pm)Jimmi wrote I often had to represent my school in discus because the ones who were actually good at it did races instead. Discus was one of many sports I was rubbish at, wasn't a bad runner when I was in year 10/11 mind.

Damn didn't realise this was the jokes thread!

I am a joke does that count!

NO!!
I don't believe it.

Tommy's signature is a joke...
"Sunderland images upload postponed due to technical difficulties. I know that is a sad excuse."

Sounds like something the Tyne & Wear Metro Social Media bod would spout out when there's delays to service!

(27 Mar 2015, 7:19 pm)Dan wrote Tommy's signature is a joke...
"Sunderland images upload postponed due to technical difficulties. I know that is a sad excuse."

Sounds like something the Tyne & Wear Metro Social Media bod would spout out when there's delays to service!

Sunderland images upload postponed due to technical difficulties. I know that is a sad excuse.

Line that you'd never hear in a James Bond film...

''My name is Bond. Mohammed Bond.''

(27 Mar 2015, 7:35 pm)MarcTheA4 wrote Line that you'd never hear in a James Bond film...

''My name is Bond. Mohammed Bond.''

Have you been watching Mock The Week

(27 Mar 2015, 7:42 pm)MrFozz wrote Have you been watching Mock The Week

Line you will never hear from a football commentator...

And there goes Wayne Rooney, Captain of England, on his way to pick up the World Cup

(27 Mar 2015, 7:35 pm)MarcTheA4 wrote Line that you'd never hear in a James Bond film...

''My name is Bond. Mohammed Bond.''

I once went to Sharm-el-Shiekh (Ashington is worse  ), and almost every member of staff except the First Choice staff were called Mohammed.

I also gained the ****s when all I would eat would be spaghetti bolognese and ice cream.

Quite a random story that. 

(27 Mar 2015, 7:45 pm)Tommy_1581 wrote I once went to Sharm-el-Shiekh (Ashington is worse  ), and almost every member of staff except the First Choice staff were called Mohammed.

I also gained the ****s when all I would eat would be spaghetti bolognese and ice cream.

Quite a random story that. 

At the risk of humiliating myself and seeing my street cred plummet to zero...

I got the Trots really bad in Las Americas, Tenerife, I was on the hotel computer when I felt a godforesaken rumble in my guts, the toilets nearby were knackered, I run up to about the 10th floor, banging on the room to get in, my mam took her time letting me in, in the process of it all, I pumped and followed through a little bit...When I finally reached the shitter, it was like this



Oh the shame...My mam and sis still love telling the story to this day

(27 Mar 2015, 7:57 pm)MrFozz wrote At the risk of humiliating myself and seeing my street cred plummet to zero...

I got the Trots really bad in Las Americas, Tenerife, I was on the hotel computer when I felt a godforesaken rumble in my guts, the toilets nearby were knackered, I run up to about the 10th floor, banging on the room to get in, my mam took her time letting me in, in the process of it all, I pumped and followed through a little bit...When I finally reached the shitter, it was like this

Oh, that image has been the highlight of my evening!

What do you call it when someone is arrested on a bus? Busted
How did the man hurt his arm when he walked into the bar? It was a steel bar

Apologies for poor jokes

The County of Norfolk...twinned with...The County of Norfolk because that's the they like it!

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Heard there's a lot of bakers in Chopwell.

Apparently, they're all in-bread up there.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away

I'm sorry.

Earlier tonight wor lass sent me a text to say she was in casualty.
So I rushed back hyem from graft; switched on the tele; and watched all 50 minutes of it - never seen her once.
She still hasn't came hyem yet.
I'm starving!

Just found this on Flickr...

ATTENTION: STRONG LANGUAGE IN FOLLOWING PHOTO, PLEASE EFF OFF IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY EFFING LANGUAGE.  























I'M WARNING YOU. TURN AROUND IF YOU DON'T LIKE STRONG LANGUAGE.






































DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.














































YOU READY?


































RIGHT, HERE IT IS.