1.) My dad went into a chip shop and the girl behind the counter said 'can I batter your sausage?', so he said 'can I slap your fanny?'....9 months later I was born. #marcused *

2.) Poundland batteries last longer than Ian Beale's marriages.

3.) Speaking of that guy, he'd only been married a few minutes before he asked Jane for @n@l. Sadly, she was wearing a strap-on.

4.) I like my women how I like my party food buffet - cheap, and spread all over my kitchen table.

5.) Re: Bobby killing Lucy;

Mick Carter: leave it aaaa't, Bobby 'ad a dif'rent fackin' face 10 munfs ago when Lucy died.

* That didn't actually happen .