Oh yeah I also think Tsipras looks like an Olive Skinned Mediterranean version of Seth MacFarlane

Has anybody else heard about the couple who got food poisoning? They were called Sam and Ella.

A Japanese Arse Sniffer

Network Rail announce joint sponsorship deal with oil company, designer clothing brand & parcel delivery firm.
Total
fcuk
UPS

After being humiliated by England, the only Ashes in Australia is Neville Nevilles...

Australia's cricket team just got bowled out for 60 in the Ashes.

Should have put Rolf Harris in to bat, he goes for ages without being caught!

A husband and wife are shopping. The husband picks up a 12 pack of beer, and puts it in the trolley. The wife asks, ''what do you think you're doing?''. The husband replies, ''they're on special, 12 for £10'', to receive a blunt ''put them back'' from his wife. A few minutes later, the wife puts a cosmetic item in the trolley. The husband asks, ''hang on, how much is it?''. His wife responds, ''£20.'' Stunned, he says ''and what do you need that for?!''. ''It makes me look beautiful'', she says. The husband responds, ''so does 12 cans of beer, and they're half the bloody price!!''.

I bought some'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that!
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When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
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I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
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I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.
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My mate makes crockery disappear. I said are you a wizard? He said no I'm a saucerer.
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Whoever stole my trainers whilst I was on the bouncy castle, just grow up!
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Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!
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I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof!
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Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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Watch what you buy on ebay...

I ordered a Penis Enlarger for £100, all I got was a magnifying glass

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she has had a stressful day at work...

I get her to text me just as she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles, and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

My friend said he was coming to a fancy dress party as Northern Rail. He never turned up.

Just farted so long and hard that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.

English humour at it's best.
1 .Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

9. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

10. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'

11. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

12. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Met a gypsy lass on a night out last night. Proper game bird, who asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time.

It was amazing. Went on the dodgems, the waltzer, had a go on the ghost train and left with a goldfish!

Who was the last person over 13st to ride a Derby Winner?
Lester Piggots Cell Mate

How can you tell which Clan a Scotsman is from?
Stick your hand up his kilt and if you feel a quarter pounder...He's a McDonald

So, Sepp Blatter is sentenced to prison, on his first day inside, he is been shown around and eventually he is introduced to his cell mate, a big stocky bloke, about 6'6 and 20 stone, absolutely huge, Sepp is a bit worried, the cellmate said 'it's quite simple, you can be the mammy or the daddy, it is your choice', Sepp thought for a while and thinking he has got of lightly says 'Ok, I will be the daddy' to which his cellmate replies 'Ok then, come over here and suck your mammys cock'

I'm thinking about moving house to somewhere near Not In Service. I hear it has a really good bus service. I've seen buses going there from all the major transport hubs.

What is a bus enthusiast's favourite sweet?

Cadburys double decker!

*Groan*

Charles

Passenger gets a MAX E400 on the X21 / X22 from Ashington to the Toon:

Passenger: Excuse me, do you know where the 'mains' is?

Driver: None on here but here's a bottle to pi** in if you wish!

Nun takes a bus

A nun boards an empty bus, and notices that the VERY handsome driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is  staring.
He  replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to  have sex with a nun.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and  says, 'Yes, I'm single,  Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'

'OK'  the  nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his  fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they  get back on the road, the driver starts  crying.

'My dear  child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but  I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm  Jewish..'

The nun says, 'That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party

Three customer services.

I'll get my coat.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the other side.

Bloke goes into a brothel and asks 'Do you do S&M', 'Yes' the guy asks 'How much would it cost to be totally humiliated', '£39.50' he is told. The guy asks 'For £39.50 what do I get', the brothel madam replies 'A Newcastle Shirt'

It's Adam Johnsons first day in jail, he gets onto the wing and is introduced to his padmate. Johnson looks worried at the thought of shacking up with a guy 6'8" and 8' wide of pure muscle. His padmate says "Your choice, you can be the mam or the dad", Johnson, quite relieved says "I will be the dad" to which his padmate says "Ok then...get over here and suck your mams cock"

---

Who is the only man over 12 stone to have rode a Derby Winner in the last 50 years?

Lester Piggots Padmate

https://twitter.com/ToonPolls/status/777444844570603520

I'm not saying people in Southwick have bad teeth, but one woman smiled in B&M today and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans...

Not bad taste but

I wouldn't say my ex was thick but she actually thought Les Dennis was a French fire engine.

How do you feel when there is no coffee?



Depresso.

Gonna dress up a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid at the door gets all my sweets, then I assume it'll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood

.

(18 May 2018, 2:51 pm)Andreos1 wrote .

Oh dear. That's me cringing for the rest of the day.